All or nothing.

I'm beginning to discover a side of myself that is completely fun and interesting, but also somewhat irritating... actually, I have seen this side of myself many times before, in different circumstances and measures. This characteristic, if you will, is that I am an all or nothing person. I am beginning to see that this can be bad, if you let yourself be influenced like a leaf blowing in the wind. But, with Christ as my rock, I am allowing Him to mold this part so that it is a testimony of His strength and ability to perfect the imperfections. I will share with you how I am seeing this trait manifested right now.

I just looked- again- on the Oakland Human Resources Consortium (the place where I can view teacher jobs) and discovered that there was a new opening... one for a teacher of students with cognitive impairments in a middle school in West Bloomfield. We're talking West Bloomfield, here... and this is EXACTLY the position that I am qualified for. After some further investigation, it turns out that they don't even require previous teaching experience, which is always a concern. They are looking for someone who is willing to get there hands dirty, who is able-bodied, and who can teach basic academic and life skills. By the time I had clicked the buttons to apply, my desire for this position was cemented. I mean, I was practically salivating over the prospect. What area would I live in? Should I sent a paper copy of my cover letter? Should I make a phone call? My fantasies climbed by the minute, and (in a weird way) I was lusting after this job. There is a weird sensation that comes with knowing that you are qualified for a professional position, and this sensation is heightened when you actually find jobs that match your qualifications. However, I am not suggesting that these are all good "feelings", I am merely describing what it is like to be in the "all" stage of the all or nothing personality phenomena.

This experience is not the first of its kind. There have been past positions, similar positions, that I have applied for, researched, imagined myself in. When they don't pan out, I detach from the feelings of disappointment and seemingly forget the experience immediately. It's easy to move on this way. People think it's an amazing adaptive skill, however, I'm not thoroughly convinced that it's healthy. Does this mean that I would give up on a position at the first sign of rejection, rather than contend for something I know is good? Or, even worse, what if this happens within a relationship? Would I really cut someone off from my affections prematurely in an effort to adapt or cope with pain? It has been remarked that I have a great capacity to love people, and I know it. I really do love people. Deeply, and relentlessly. But I also have the potential for great coldness. And that scares me sometimes. Having examined my past actions toward those who have hurt me, I do not see burning, seething hatred so much as cold, dead indifference. Jesus was never indifferent. To anyone, or anything. Apathy is not a part of who He is.

As I discover this new Me, as melded with Him, never to be separated, I am reminded that this characteristic of my personality is not entirely bad... and as I allow Him to enter it, I can see where He is perfecting it. Instead of looking at the job that I was not accepted for and saying "whatever, I never cared anyways... moving on!" I can say "that was a good job, but Jesus must have a better one for me... moving on!" So it is not really the reaction, but more the basis of my reaction, where I am noticing the change. I hope to always be adaptable. But I hope that this adaptability stems from the stability that I have in Christ, rather than an inconsistency of desires and constant change of heart.