time to blog.

it's been a while. im due for a blog.

first of all, i would like to thank the few people that check up on this every now and again for reading. sometimes, you realize how special and undeserved it is that anyone cares about what you have to say. even though i mostly just write to get thoughts out and to talk to God and have a record of what God is doing in my life, it's nice to know that other people care about that stuff.

i was sitting downstairs just now, listening to my parents talk to my dad's aunt over the speakerphone. they were sharing some family issues with her, to which she could definitely relate. she is a good woman, and one who has been through a lot. although i was not fully paying attention, i overheard her saying something to the effect of "well, you know these girls, they get it in their minds that they're in love, and that's it, it's over... some guy comes along and treats her nicely and makes her feel special, and she sees no reason to probe deeper into who he is or what his character is like. they get so happy and so determined, sometimes there isn't anything you can do..." it broke my heart to hear it, because i know what they're talking about, and i know that it's true. in many cases, for many people, it's true. because it's what they've been waiting for, their whole lives. they believe it's the pinnacle or the meaning of their very existence. they aren't finding satisfaction or wholeness in their creator-- let alone intimacy or any sort of relationship-- and so they look for it elsewhere. wisdom gets cast out to sea, and logic is thrown to the wind.

i'm so sick of hearing the line, "follow your heart." i am, without a doubt, captivated by romance. i love the idea of being in love. but it is not something i take lightly. nor is it something i want to rush into blindly. follow GOD, and he will grant you the desires of your heart!!! the unled heart is deceptive, and lusts after the desires of this world. this can be true for believers and unbelievers alike. you need to know that you are whole and loved and accepted and cherished by God, the ultimate romantic, before you go looking for your own completion in another flawed human being.

when it comes to finding a spouse for you, i believe that God has created someone who your heart AND your mind AND your soul can agree upon. im so glad that this is an area that i've allowed God to create anew in me, because a different version of myself might be very cynical by now. but i refuse to stop believing in true, God-designed romance, and i refuse to settle for anything less! may God give you the same patience to wait for His plans for your life and not get sucked into the worldly model of His greatest gift. it's such a counterfeit....

so, i didn't even plan on blogging about that when i headed upstairs hahahahahaha! isn't that just God's way... you start upon a path on your own accord, and he takes you on the tangent where you end up finding the greatest revelation. there is nothing more powerful or more life-changing than the perfect love of God. but it's soooo not enough to just know about it! two millennia of Christianity-gone-wrong should have convinced us of this... we have to KNOW Him... and when you know Him, you know His love. because God is love. Love is God. They are inseparable. When you love your neighbor or your enemy, you share a bit of God with them. That's why unbelievers cannot understand it, cannot put a satisfactory meaning to it, and are utterly mystified by it... they believe they can achieve or share this perfect Love without God. But such an act is impossible, because they are one and the same.

...... now what did i really plan on blogging about???? hahahahahaha!!!

oh yes... it was just this: since i have entered into the special education program at eastern, i've gotten a lot of the same response from people who inquire about my field; "oh that's so great! it takes a very special type of person to do that...." maybe so, but that doesn't make me a saint... nor does it make the students some type of animal. truth be told, the students that i have met along the way have made such an impact on my life, that i consider it an honor to work with them. no, of course they're not angels... but who in high school is?? i have found some of the biggest hearts in the amazing people i have met along the way. one in particular stands out to me from this semester...

he is my age-- 22. many people have judged him his whole life, and have looked at his labels of being cognitively impaired, emotionally impaired, and having ADHD. yet, if you look a little further, you see a charming and funny boy who is a pleasure to spend time with. though he reads at the same rate as most second graders, he is taking care of preschoolers with disabilities two days a week--- on a volunteer basis. he also cares for a man with dementia on his weekends. two other days, he goes to school-- despite the fact that he still struggles with the work, and despite the fact that it's forty minutes each way by bus. now look at the two of us and tell me who is more honorable? (ok don't really, but you see my point... don't insult the students by telling me i'm a saint for working with them. as high schoolers who have an even rougher time of it than most kids their age, they should be the ones receiving the applause.)

ooh, another random tangent--- what Pete spoke this morning at church, was very, VERY timely for me. actually, i think i always feel that... but especially today :) unfortunately, i forgot my notebook, so i don't have any notes from the sermon, but it would definitely be worth listening to on podcast later! i guess i have just been feeling so disconnected from God lately (which is of my own accord, of course, because we are never truly disconnected, praise Him!) and relying on my own emotions too much. or giving too much weight to them. i definitely fed some worldly cravings that left me feeling empty and dissatisfied. of course, at this stage they seem harmless... nothing bad has happened and i haven't harmed or hurt anyone. but what was the fruit of it all? nothing but emptiness and ugliness! do i want to look like this world? definitely not. so why do i insist on putting it in front of my eyes all day, every day? what we feed on is what we reproduce. i want my fruit to be only one thing: pure, beautiful, unadulturated JESUS. nothing else is, or will ever be, good enough.

that is all.

PSALM 40:1-5

I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay.
And set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth-
Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord.
Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.