A love more faithful than the morning...

I don't know what to say...

I graduated from college this past Sunday. I feel like I should somehow write a blurb to commemorate the experience, but all I want to write about is Your love. And, I guess, that's the most appropriate thing to write after all. Your love is the filter through which I live out every experience. I knew this day would come, and I've been anticipating it for many months... not the day of my graduation, but the day that this experience between You and I, this intimate encounter, would occur. It's as if I've come home after a tour of duty... maintaining the bond of relationship, yet feeling as though I'm in a challenge that requires my full energy and attention. And yet, you were always there... filling me. Sustaining me. Growing me. Making me new. I became more aware of it as the year went on, and I became less resistant to your love and power. But this night, with no agenda, no time restraints, no interruptions... just you and me and us... this night is the one I've waited for.

I cannot even endure your intimacy. It overwhelms me. It is so raw, and so true. It is not easy to accept your intimacy, because it is so weighty. It is not something that can be taken lightly. It occurs when you command my full attention, you overcome my doubts, you overwhelm my emotions. You have ruined me. I want nothing more or less than to serve you with my entire life. All my devotion (not to quote song lyrics, but) IS all I have to give. And I give it freely. I am so excited to move on to the next chapter of life, because I am looking forward to FINALLY having the free time to spend soaking up your presence and growing in Your Word. I am excited to hear Your voice in new, fresh ways. I have seen what You have done with the mere minutes I have spared for You, and I know that the hours and days that we will have together are going to be INTENSE!!! I want to strip everything else away until I am completely under Your influence.

So I settled in tonight to have a good, long quiet time with God.... and re-read through the email from Pastor Lisa regarding Cross Immersion Group focus as I prayed. I reached the part where it lists the passages that we are studying together and, yep... that's all it took hahahaha.... The floodgates opened, and the romance and tenderness of Christ and all that He has done for me filled me to overflowing. Usually, as in this case, the "flood" manifests itself through an actual torrent of weeping. So now, after familiarizing myself with the floor once again, I am attempting to jot down some of the things I am experience and learning with Him.

Christ, I would be in such darkness were it not for You. I have been so shielded by Love that I cannot even fathom the hell that wreaks havoc in the world. I am so thankful for that. Really. I think about the dark places that I used to run to, and it brings me to tears to remember the rescuing hand you extended to me. You have renewed my thinking, and have made my heart brand new. Without You in my life, I would be a complete mess. Without the revelation of Your love, I would be living with vices and therapies to give respite from life itself. Life is hard! There's something wrong with a society that requires a significant portion of its population to take meds just to function. But YOU! You are so good! You give us the power, not just to survive, but to thrive. I have been so blessed, and none of it is deserved. The good things I have done are naught without You. The sins that I have committed against You have been completely erased. You have proclaimed that I am righteous, whole, clean, Yours.

I keep going back to that.... college would have left me in a mess of vices, with a slew of complications, men, chemicals, imbalances, and what have you were it not for Christ. You have planted in me the Spirit that says, "Press on! There is something better! I have called you for bigger things, and I want you to know me. Not just for one day, but for always." You are the seal on my arm and on my heart. I really see it. I thank you for guarding my heart and keeping me in Your will. Where I am weak, you have made me strong, that I might testify of your power.

Romans 5:2 is really hitting me in a great way right now... "boasting in the hope of the glory of God" sounds like exactly where I'm at right now. I have been given a taste, a glimpse of the glory of God, and already it is overwhelming!!! I can't wait to see more, to have Him reveal another facet of Himself to me. WE LOOK UPON HIM WITH UNVEILED FACES!!! There is no barrier between Love and us. We access God freely, and He offers His body, His blood, His Kingdom to us. Whooooaaaaaaaa....... My hope is not in vain. I have such a faithful God, and He has showed me His faithfulness in areas I still harbored too much fear to allow myself to hope. I love the Message version of this verse too: "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting his praise."

It is very easy for me to see myself in these wide open spaces right now. I am just so thankful. I have a thousand little things, as well as the obvious big things, to be thankful for. For Christmas, I got the last pair of slippers that were in my Mom's size. ON SALE! Then, I looked up the slippers my dad wanted and got the last pair in his size... AND they arrived on my doorstep in less than 24 hours! Also this month, I have been given frequent occasions to really enjoy the presence and quality of my friends. My girls have shown me what it is to be sisters... to let down all guards and know that I am loved for who I am, and that no misstep or quirk will lessen that love. They have shown me how to take pleasure and find enjoyment in healthy relationships, and also to show care and support in hard times. They have become a true extention of my family. The guys that I am honored to share life with have given me a frame of reference for what it is to be treated well... They have given me a better understanding of honor, and their treatment of girls has raised my standard of what is acceptable and good. This Body of Christ is full of people that I will cherish through the ages of earth and Heaven. I am excited to share Heaven together!

So God-- YOU ARE SO GOOD! Thank you for living this life with me... for giving me victories and then taking joy in them with me. You have enabled me to thrive. Your love is everything. You are teaching me so much every day...... I can't even wait til tomorrow!

Let's be together always.

as your reality invades mine...

Yeshua....

I want to be acquainted with your Truth. I want each and every one of my senses to be trained to your reality. I want to taste Heaven every day and have your glory seeping out of my pores. I want to share secrets and laughter with the angels.

Let Your reality flood my existence. Let me be so filled with longing and desire for You that it annihilates every will of my flesh. You are my only vice. I am fixed on You. Your light has left no room for darkness.

We are One. Come invade my perception of "I".

One Glance Of Your Eyes

I don't know all the particulars of why "innocent" people are allowed to suffer atrocious things... why certain people are destined to live their whole lives in a crippled, disabled body. I don't know what salvation looks like for people whose comprehension is forever limited to that of a three year old's. But I do know that some of my friends are kids such as these. And I love them so very much. And I'm learning from them and through them so very much.

One particular girl has tugged on my heartstrings a lot. She can barely speak. When she does, it is mostly monosyllabic utterances that are only understood by those who know her. She spends her whole day in a wheelchair. Her movement is limited to what her head and spastic little hands can manage. If you were to look at her with an honest mind, you would see that there is very little that she can contribute to the productivity of the world. There is very little that she will ever be able to do on her own. There is nothing she can really do to benefit me. But she has brought so much joy to my heart, and to all those around her at school. Every time she looks at me with those beautiful eyes in a way that acknowledges my existence, I feel special. Everytime she laughs at one of my lame jokes, I feel complimented. It has taken three weeks, but I now know that she recognizes, even likes, me. God has shown me so much through this, and it is humbling and so special.

A few days ago, I was helping clean this precious girl up after she vomited all over herself. I was so moved, and my eyes were fighting back the tears. I really was so struck by how much I could care for this girl, in a way that is so beyond pity. God showed me how that is the depth of His love. There is nothing we can offer Him that He could not easily do for Himself, except offer our affection and love. We are so helpless compared to God. Our inabilities far outweigh our abilities. We do not even know all that we do not know. Yet, though we are small, He has given us honor. He is moved by us. He wants to be in real relationship with us. And He loves us. Even before we loved Him... He loved us. He works so hard to gain our faith, our trust... when we are the ones who are undeserving of His. And yet, as He cleans us up from our messes, He doesn't scold us. He loves us.

95 Days.

Til I graduate and life changes altogether.

Psalm 23 is the current chapter that I'm living by. It is not something I fell back on because it was easy to find or I knew it would be suitable. God led me there. And I have stayed there for a while.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.... and I will dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER!!!

I am tired. Goodnight world that I love <3

mercy!

Stumbled upon an ex boyfriend today.

The funny thing is, just yesterday I laughed a laugh that reminded me of him. I wondered how he was, in that wistful way. I have a tendency to idealize my thoughts of him. I liked him a lot when I was eighteen.

All I can say is, God is so merciful to me.... and I am so thankful that He slammed that door shut in my face :) I wish that guy all the best in realizing all the potential that I saw in him... but I'm so glad there's nothing left between us.

God, you join that which are meant to be joined, and sever every tie that was never meant to be. You are good.

And they lived happily ever after.

we never stop living.

we just move from one realm to another.

a great woman died last week. i struggled with her death, and how to feel about it. she was one of the most radiant, amazing people i had ever met. i kept praying "God, i know i don't know her very well, but please... just let her be in Heaven."

today, some of my coworkers made it to her funeral. my one coworker gave a summary of the event, since i was working. she told me she was a Christian. it hit me really hard. i got very emotional with relief and excitement for her. i look forward to seeing her again.

it's odd how people seem to laugh at religious/spiritual beliefs, except for where death is concerned. i have seen people seized by fear and solemnity by the mere thought of it. sometimes i take for granted the peace of mind that comes with knowing.....

God has provided a way, where there seemed to be no way. Christianity is not a belief system. It is the greatest love story that ever was....

And one that ALWAYS has a happy ending.

Colors you can't even dream.

I keep seeing death all around me. So many people are dying.

My first reaction is to feel how sad it is to lose a loved one.

My second reaction is to pray for everyone I know who still has breath in their lungs.

But my third reaction...

My spirit is just so restless, so homesick for Heaven. It feels like a deep groan.

Life is for Saturdays such as these.

It has been the most wonderful sort of day.

Actually, if you had asked me what sort of day it is at around four this afternoon, I probably would not have given you such an emphatic reply. But it is ending in such a delightful way, that the whole day will now be remembered with a violet-colored lens.

I woke up at 11:09, which is almost exactly eleven hours after I went to bed. Yesterday was thoroughly chaotic, and I had operated on but one hour of sleep. This day, in contrast, was all loveliness and serenity. I began it in an empty house, which was not unwelcomed. One bowl of porridge later, (actually, it was steel-cut oats.... but porridge sounds much more British, and I am feeling British in my head tonight) I decided to head out to take care of some business affairs. I finished my errands, and returned home to my dear father. I cooked dinner early, since Mom is out of town, which I am told was sensational (I myself did not get to partake, as I was at work during dinnertime.) I decided to take the risk (the weather forecast said rain) and ride the bike to work, which ended up being a good idea. Upon arriving at Plymouth, I remembered a conversation with Dad that involved "wouldn't it be nice to watch a movie and sip wine tonight..." and picked up a superb bottle of Merlot at the local wine bar (which I now vow to return to on some night... it's very cute inside.) Work went well, awkward conversations included. Sometimes we need a bit of awkwardness to let us know that life is either mortifying or hilarious-- it's all about perspective. I was slightly crestfallen to find my stirfry gone, as the house still smelled like ginger and curry. However, I decided to make the best of it, and began cooking a mean salad. It was reminiscent of something I used to buy at the cafe at Schoolcraft, and turned out beautifully. When Dad and Liz came home, we put on "Julie and Julia" and we DID sip the Merlot as we watched. The bottle is now completely empty, and I, for some reason, have the inescapable urge to blog and cook (I settled on blogging for the night, since I've already cooked two dinners today.)

Speaking of Julia, my mother received her cook book for her birthday. I am seriously happy about this. I have never been more ready to master the art of French cooking, and I have already poached two eggs. Successfully.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and I have a new dress to wear. I also have the day off. Can it be? Is it a REAL Sabbath? It makes me sad to know that, had I lived in Old Testament times, I would have already been killed around two hundred times. And that's for breaking Sabbath alone.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.... it all comes back to you. Read through Exodus this past week, and have decided to skip Leviticus after much prayer. My heart is in utter jubilation. It didn't seem appropriate for the season. What I thoroughly DID enjoy, however, was reading second Corinthians along with Exodus 34. I love that, in the middle of the regulations in Exodus, there is this AMAZING piece about Moses fellowshipping with God and coming off the mountain with a radiant face. But what I love even more is the link in Corinthians that brings the whole Exodus passage to life and applicable for us today. It is such a heavy, beautiful thing, to shine with the radiance of God. To be transformed into His likeness, in ever-increasing glory! What else is there? What could there possibly be that would one-up that? This passage has completely given me encouragement and a greater self-awareness of who we are, and what we are to the world. The veil has been torn away. What a mighty blessing.

2 Corinthians 3:12-18

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Why?

I am sitting in my bedroom. From this spot, I can hear the joyous laughter from my ex-brother-in-law as he picks up the kids.

why couldn't he love my sister like that?

that's all.

And Then There Was Love

You have reached the depths.
The abyss.
The black hole of my heart.
The hardest parts of me.
The defiance.
The rebellion.
The parts that have recoiled from your touch.
The parts that have numbed themself to your warmth.
You have touched the dead and decaying limits of my soul.
And have breathed life.
Commanded life.
You have transformed punishment to pity;
Unforgiveness to compassion.
You have spoken hope over my despair.
You have reconciled every straying member.
It's already done.
It's already done.
The work is done.
I am but a recipient of this great gift.
This pure and costly gift.
Your heart breaking gift.
I told you I was worthless.
Yet you gave all you had.
Every ounce of your life-giving blood.
Knowing the price was far too high.
And that I can never repay you.

Your banner over me is love.
Your banner over me is love.
I am but a vessel of Love.

LIFE! LIFE! LIFE!

Could I be more excited?? I'm not sure it's possible.

This is only the beginning. I am but an infant who has just opened her eyes to glimpse the world for the first time. What I have seen of Heaven, of our home, is only one corner of a room within a whole universe.

I was running in Lifetime Fitness today, listening to music and feeling the emotions of adrenaline and endorphins. All of a sudden, I heard a voice in my head. "What if I told you that every single person in this room was headed for hell? Would that change your perspective at all? Your sense of urgency?" I do not often have thoughts like this, and it was sobering. I realized that, although unlikely, it was definitely possible. This experience changed my internal posture completely. I realized that, although my visit to Lifetime still had a primary purpose (ie, transforming Abby into a BEAST!) I could also use the time to intercede for these people and change the atmosphere of the place. I became more aware of Christ in me, and how each time my mouth opened to speak was another opportunity to glorify him. The potential persecution that I could face will never, ever, ever compare to the anguish of the lost.

At that moment, I lifted my eyes, and saw a man about three treadmills in front of me (there are a lot of treadmills at lifetime...) with Psalm 23 on the back of his shirt. It was encouraging, not only to know that he was a brother, but also to know that God has laid the same burning desire on the hearts of others.

Mish Mash of Awesomeness

Despite my track record, I do so love to blog.

So update: my last day of student teaching was one week ago, and life has never felt better! I can't really remember a time when I've gone from being completely strung out to having virtually no agenda in such a small period of time. My body has actually had a very difficult time adjusting... There have been days when it wouldn't let me sleep in past seven, and days when it wouldn't let me sleep at all. But overall, it has been a very heavenly week.

I am so excited for the next five months. Understatement of the decade.

So here I sit in Sweetwater's in Kerrytown; one of the only coffee shops I will travel half an hour just to visit. Weird? Totally. But it doesn't hurt that Zingerman's is across the street and Hollander's is in the same building ($100 on food and paper? OK! haha just kidding...) I finally bought a water bottle waistband so I can run more than five miles at Hines without dying of dehydration (why have drinking fountains if they're never turned on, I ask you?)

So today, I am taking the opportunity to do something that usually evaded me during the three months of my student teaching experience... I am spending REAL time with God and listening to Him and really gleaning everything out of the experiences he's leading me into. It's so wonderful.... I have missed this part of my life so much. The part of life that is LIFE itself! I will share some of what I've been processing.

So as I shared from my last post (which made me laugh, the tone was so sarcastic and stressed out!) my car died on the side of 275. What followed was a true expression of God's goodness. Firstly, he showed me how unrelenting my own father was in finding me a new car. This was such an expression of love, and one that I will never forget. I was completely helpless in the car search myself-- I was just starting to teach my unit (three hours a day to a hundred freshmen... for three weeks. it was a big deal.) But my dad spent every free minute he had looking for a car for me. And not just A car, but the PERFECT car. One that I could drive and enjoy for the next five or ten years. Sure enough, my dad's persistence paid off. AND... my Father provided the perfect car! Private sale, in a Howell subdivision that my dad happened to be in one day. It's a beautiful 05 Honda Civic that's in like new condition. Rear spoiler. Fancy pants sound system. It's my dream car. I feel so cared for, and I didn't have to do a thing to get it. That's provision for ya... It's good to be a daughter!

Yesterday, my mother came home from a doctor's appointment. She had been to the doc's to see about an eye infection. It was in her "good eye".. the one she doesn't have trouble seeing out of. She has long thought she had macular degeneration in her "bad eye", because her mother does and it has slowly caused her mother to be almost totally blind. My mom has not been to the doctor's to confirm that that is the condition she has, because of anxiety and not wanting to confirm the worst--- macular degeneration is behind the eye and is not treatable. We have prayed many times for my mother's eyes to be totally healed and that she would have her sight for the rest of her life. Anyways, while at the doctor's with this infection, she had her other eye checked. He said that she does have very mild macular degeneration, but that it wasn't bad at all. He said that the reason she couldn't see was because of a macular HOLE... which sounds a lot worse, but is actually treatable! He said that if she got surgery (which she will) part, if not all, of her vision will be recovered! Praise God! We wept together for a while, because this has been a huge cause for concern for a very long time. She is still fairly anxious about the procedure, and we have to continually encourage each other and speak truth to each other. God has provided a solution! It's so awesome! We would really appreciate your prayers for this matter.

So in my devotions, I'm in Exodus. Today felt like just a list of rules. I hate rules. I know they are important, and I follow them (usually) but I prefer being in environments that are a bit more unstructured and ungoverned. But as I read through the 22nd chapter, I remembered that the rules were an indication of the nature of God. I saw justice and love. The rules were set so that people would be cared for. The penalties were so high to show just how serious certain behaviors were to God. He cannot tolerate to live in the presence of sin. In many cases, offenders were even put to death. It seems so brutal, but think of the social ramifications. For example, one of my favorite parts is 22:16-17. It speaks of the price a man must pay for seducing a virgin. Look at who is supposed to take responsibility-- the man. So many times, society these days tells women that men are unable to control themselves, and if you give in, it's YOUR fault. But this was not God's model of restraint. It is man's responsibility to pursue, and to do it with purity and self-control.

Also, verse 21 is awesome. "You shall never mistreat a stranger nor oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt." Think about that one next time you talk badly about immigrants for taking advantage of our health system or not "speaking American."

Speaking of talking badly about people who you shouldn't-- how about verse 28? "You shall not revile God, nor curse a ruler of your people." There is such HONOR that is attached to the position of headship.... notice that it doesn't say, "don't curse your ruler if he is doing a good job."

There are more... much more. I couldn't believe how much I took away from this chapter. I love that God says that his "wrath will turn hot" against those who afflict the orphans and widows. Not because of what he will do to the persecutors, but because of what it says about His ginormous HEART for those who are unloved, uncared for, voiceless.

It is so good to remember that we are under grace and are not bound by these rules any longer! WE ARE FREE! We don't have to live life as a performance in which we need to score 100%. But, it's also so good to look at these rules and to understand that they were set in place for a reason. It is good to look at them and see why they are good, and why Holy Spirit will guide us to keep them even now.

Looking back on the past few months, I am thankful that I'm not bound to that lifestyle forever. It was hard, and I didn't have hardly any time for the people and things that I love. I'm glad that I came through it, and I also had many good experiences that showed me Christ rising up inside me and being victorious as He always is. But I know there were many days that I forgot the truth for a moment. There were many days that I forgot who I was. It's a relief to know that I am not myself on my worst day. Nor am I myself on my best day. I am not even the sum of all my days, both good and bad and whatever. I am a new creature, who is found in Christ and who has been grafted into His body. There do I find my identity.

tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air?

(thanks to jordin and chris for the great title. not that this blog has anything to do with their love ballad...)

i am writing today because i'm feeling so incredibly attacked, and i'm hoping that getting it out into cyberspace will help. because the truth is, i have fifteen lesson plans that i need to have sent out to my advisor tomorrow, and four of them have yet to be written. so a little focus is the order of the day.

let me preface the next paragraphs by saying that i am NOT complaining. i know a lot of people who have it a lot worse than i do, and i would gladly accept all of these circumstances over one family member having an illness or anything like that. i have a whole lot to be thankful for, and i praise God for it. but i am feeling stressed out like you wouldn't believe, and i think i need to type it out to see that, at least, my feelings are legitimate. also, if you don't know a thing about me, we're about to get very intimate.

last summer, my sister moved in with me. the drama of my life grew exponentially, and there were horrible details that i'm still not released to share with the world wide web. her three children, currently aged 4, 3 and 1, also came to live with me for half of every week. what had previously been a happy haven with my parents and i is now a madhouse with seven occupants. the kids are going through a lot of distress of their own, being transported between my place and whitmore lake twice a week and dealing with the confusion of their parents' separation.

because how do you explain divorce to a three year old?

my former brother in law has since divorced my sister, left her with thousands of dollars of his own debt, and is now looking to shack up with some other woman... with four kids of her own. just peachy. for the record, i have never disliked another human being so intensely in my entire life.

also, try establishing discipline with three toddlers who are experiencing zero consistency in their life. super fun. for them and for us.

so now, i have finished classes for my degree (YAY!) and am now in my first semester of student teaching (ARGH!) which is exactly as difficult as everyone says it is. except that there are now three toddlers living in my basement who don't understand that study time equals quiet time.

the kids' dad works in the ER at a hospital, which means that he's exposed to all sorts of fun things. so for the past (i don't know... since september) few months, my family has gotten about every flu and virus in the Great Lakes region. my mom seriously has not been well since september, which is awesome since she's away on business trips about every other week.

more recently, i had a mild anxiety attack on saturday and had to basically run the show at school yesterday and today, since my cooperating teacher was out sick. today, my car broke down on the side of the highway and the man in the towtruck tried to hit on me the whole way to the mechanic's. he was about fifty, with a legitimate mullet and seatcovers with skulls on them. we listened to country music. his name was bob.

after warding off bob's persistent advances, i was told by my wonderful mechanic, dave, that there was absolutely no oil in my engine. which is funny, because we had the oil changed on saturday. dave said that there was no compression in the engine, which i now understand means that my car is now in car-heaven.

you know what's so bizarre about all of this? on saturday, i was so angry. i was choking back tears, mostly unsuccessfully, for the whole day. and i was praying, "God, i am so angry at you! how could you let this happen?" but today, around the time my car died, i started thinking "i am being attacked. that's what's going on, and God is always victorious. i just need to trust Him and believe that He knows what He is doing! and believe that He will be my strength and will come through with solutions that will completely showcase his power and faithfulness!"

so yes... i am being attacked. but GOD is on our side! and i cant wait to see how He uses these experiences to shape and mold me, and to show His glory. life may not ever get easier, but He will always draw me closer and give me strength and refuge. i am eternally thankful for the life that He gives and continues to give. HE IS SO FAITHFUL AND SO GOOD! were it not so, i would not be able to get myself out of bed in the morning. our relationship is what sustains me, and the hope and dreams that He has placed in my heart. i believe that He is causing me to become familiar with hardship and pain for many different reasons... partly, so that people cannot claim that my steadfast faith and love for God comes from an easy life full of pleasure and prosperity. partly, because i know this is making me both a stronger and more compassionate and empathetic person. i have always wanted to help other people, but this makes it so much more personal. life is about being personal. and partly, because my faith in His provision in my life needs to increase. i know this. it's been easy up until this point, and this is a very painful and stretching experience. but God has called me to dream HUGE dreams, and i need to have a faith that is as big as the dreams He has given me!

pray for the people in your life. you never know how badly they need your prayers. and dream big with God! especially when life feels like your enemy.

i will end with a quote from bob the towtrucker. when i told him i was a Christian, he replied with "ohhh, so that's how you're able to smile right now. and i thought it was just because you were enjoying my company so much!" ..... :)