Courage to die.

Today, I entered into an encounter with God unlike any I have ever experienced... Though I am tired, I have to try and get this out now, because already I am forgetting details. I should probably begin by confessing that I've been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff lately. I have not been handling my internal thoughts and feelings in an appropriate manner, and have instead grown dissatisfied, frustrated, and angry. I have distanced myself from God and people, choosing isolation and avoidance. My grief was mine to bear, I believed. It was easier to do it alone than to let others into the world of my dreams and fears. It was easier to maintain independence, to reserve for myself some semblance of control.

Last night was a really bad night. What was supposed to be a leisurely night out with a friend landed me in my bedroom... alone and depressed. I tried not to think about the things that I missed and longed for so badly, but this attempt was completely unsuccessful. Was it really so bad to want the things that I did? They were not harmful, but my motives were wrong. They were linked in to self-service, self-love, self-consumption. I was completely consumed with self. God was placed on the shelf as I craved all the enticing things this world has to offer. It tormented me, because I knew that my heart was still for God. Even in this dark place, I would not act upon the desires. I refuse to give in to rebellion. But the filter that I was looking through made all my desires seem beautiful, wonderful, romantic, charming. Right. So right. What was wrong with living in a specific place, wanting a certain status, loving a certain person, looking a certain way? Can't I have the lifestyle that I long for and still serve God in some way? Can't I have life on my own terms and please God? I know the cliche, "you can't have your cake and eat it too," but there MUST be some way. Right?

Today, I had a change of heart as soon as I entered into worship. Relief flooded over me and I felt the torment leave my psyche. As we were invited to thank God, I found myself saying, "Thank you, God, for giving me Someone to love and worship besides myself..." It occurred to me that my love of self would never satisfy me, because I was not worthy. But God is perfect, God is love itself, and in loving and worshipping Him, giving myself over to Him and His purposes, I would find complete purpose and satisfaction. I would find the wholeness that I had forgotten to remember. This was the beginning of the experience.

The second step of my encounter with God came through the sermon itself. It was on encounter, and "a shift from a life based on concept to a life based, and founded on encounter." Pete spoke with boldness and clarity, and I held on to every word. I needed this encounter in my life. Not just for a day, but EVERY day. I needed my life to be God-focused again. The other option would only destroy me. It was completely empty!

After the sermon, we went back into a time of worship and ministry. I was standing there, eyes closed, enjoying the tangible presence of God. And then, I saw Him. He was there in my mind's eye. I have not heard His voice so clear in a few months, at least. "I have given you the courage to die. So come and die. Die with me, that you might live. You need to die before MY life can be produced in you." I have heard God's voice many times in my life. I have had many vivid experiences with Him. I have shaken, fallen, wept, laughed, gotten completely wrecked by His love and presence. I have entered into Heaven... but I have never had such a clear experience of entering into His death. In a way, Romans 6 had been an abstract mystery to me before this morning.

As I interacted with God, I saw Him with the cross on His shoulder. He was in anguish, and He invited me to share in this experience. He beckoned me to carry His cross, to willingly go to our death. To die. As I saw myself go through this process, I felt old feelings, old ties, old nasty sin be taken away from me. I became aware of my death to my own desires, to my self. It was painful! But it was good! I was amazed by the clear way that God showed me what was going on, and revealing His truth to me. I felt as though I were dying, and yet I never felt so alive in my life. I saw my "self" die and His glorious "self" rise up in me in the same instant. I saw us unified, and I saw my will bend to His in obedience, trusting and knowing that His ways are so much better. Not only is obedience the right way to live, but it is also completely beneficial to me, because He is a GOOD GOD!!! I have already died, what else can they do to me? God has granted me immortality, to stand before His throne in confidence, knowing I am His. Knowing, through His glorious Son, I belong there. Heaven is the place that I now call home, God is the one whom I can call my Father, all because I gave myself over, to die and become resurrected with the Son. What power! What great power, that I cannot comprehend, was it that made this possible? This, truly, is One who is to be loved and worshipped. Surely this is God.

And here, amongst all of these musings and revelations and experiences with death and life, I heard the voice again. "I allowed these things to happen to you, I allowed you to give in to your desires for a time, so that you may engage with my death within you in a fuller measure. I wanted you to REALLY know what it is to die to yourself. I wanted to show myself to you in a new way. That you would know that I am GOD." In a bizarre way, this brought great joy to myself. All of the torment, all of the heaviness of heart... it was not for nothing. I would not wish to enter into it again, but it has helped to establish me, in a new unshakeable way, in my foundation in Christ. Romans 6 was opened up to me, in a new and living way. My desire was for my God again. Completely. Wholly. And again I felt complete and whole. Not that He ever left me, or that I ever had a lack, but that I remembered to Whom I belong.

So now, I rejoice, for my focus is where it ought to have been all along. My life is for my God. My prayers are pure and my eyes are open and fixed upon the One. I hope to experience this same death every single day, as Paul has said. It is the filter that I want to see reality through. It is the Truth that I want to perceive and speak from. It is not even worth comparing what I have gained through Christ with what I have given up... He is so good. Thank you, God, for inviting me to die. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.

All or nothing.

I'm beginning to discover a side of myself that is completely fun and interesting, but also somewhat irritating... actually, I have seen this side of myself many times before, in different circumstances and measures. This characteristic, if you will, is that I am an all or nothing person. I am beginning to see that this can be bad, if you let yourself be influenced like a leaf blowing in the wind. But, with Christ as my rock, I am allowing Him to mold this part so that it is a testimony of His strength and ability to perfect the imperfections. I will share with you how I am seeing this trait manifested right now.

I just looked- again- on the Oakland Human Resources Consortium (the place where I can view teacher jobs) and discovered that there was a new opening... one for a teacher of students with cognitive impairments in a middle school in West Bloomfield. We're talking West Bloomfield, here... and this is EXACTLY the position that I am qualified for. After some further investigation, it turns out that they don't even require previous teaching experience, which is always a concern. They are looking for someone who is willing to get there hands dirty, who is able-bodied, and who can teach basic academic and life skills. By the time I had clicked the buttons to apply, my desire for this position was cemented. I mean, I was practically salivating over the prospect. What area would I live in? Should I sent a paper copy of my cover letter? Should I make a phone call? My fantasies climbed by the minute, and (in a weird way) I was lusting after this job. There is a weird sensation that comes with knowing that you are qualified for a professional position, and this sensation is heightened when you actually find jobs that match your qualifications. However, I am not suggesting that these are all good "feelings", I am merely describing what it is like to be in the "all" stage of the all or nothing personality phenomena.

This experience is not the first of its kind. There have been past positions, similar positions, that I have applied for, researched, imagined myself in. When they don't pan out, I detach from the feelings of disappointment and seemingly forget the experience immediately. It's easy to move on this way. People think it's an amazing adaptive skill, however, I'm not thoroughly convinced that it's healthy. Does this mean that I would give up on a position at the first sign of rejection, rather than contend for something I know is good? Or, even worse, what if this happens within a relationship? Would I really cut someone off from my affections prematurely in an effort to adapt or cope with pain? It has been remarked that I have a great capacity to love people, and I know it. I really do love people. Deeply, and relentlessly. But I also have the potential for great coldness. And that scares me sometimes. Having examined my past actions toward those who have hurt me, I do not see burning, seething hatred so much as cold, dead indifference. Jesus was never indifferent. To anyone, or anything. Apathy is not a part of who He is.

As I discover this new Me, as melded with Him, never to be separated, I am reminded that this characteristic of my personality is not entirely bad... and as I allow Him to enter it, I can see where He is perfecting it. Instead of looking at the job that I was not accepted for and saying "whatever, I never cared anyways... moving on!" I can say "that was a good job, but Jesus must have a better one for me... moving on!" So it is not really the reaction, but more the basis of my reaction, where I am noticing the change. I hope to always be adaptable. But I hope that this adaptability stems from the stability that I have in Christ, rather than an inconsistency of desires and constant change of heart.

Sincerely....

I just miss you. Some things, I won't ever forget...