tell me how i'm supposed to breathe with no air?

(thanks to jordin and chris for the great title. not that this blog has anything to do with their love ballad...)

i am writing today because i'm feeling so incredibly attacked, and i'm hoping that getting it out into cyberspace will help. because the truth is, i have fifteen lesson plans that i need to have sent out to my advisor tomorrow, and four of them have yet to be written. so a little focus is the order of the day.

let me preface the next paragraphs by saying that i am NOT complaining. i know a lot of people who have it a lot worse than i do, and i would gladly accept all of these circumstances over one family member having an illness or anything like that. i have a whole lot to be thankful for, and i praise God for it. but i am feeling stressed out like you wouldn't believe, and i think i need to type it out to see that, at least, my feelings are legitimate. also, if you don't know a thing about me, we're about to get very intimate.

last summer, my sister moved in with me. the drama of my life grew exponentially, and there were horrible details that i'm still not released to share with the world wide web. her three children, currently aged 4, 3 and 1, also came to live with me for half of every week. what had previously been a happy haven with my parents and i is now a madhouse with seven occupants. the kids are going through a lot of distress of their own, being transported between my place and whitmore lake twice a week and dealing with the confusion of their parents' separation.

because how do you explain divorce to a three year old?

my former brother in law has since divorced my sister, left her with thousands of dollars of his own debt, and is now looking to shack up with some other woman... with four kids of her own. just peachy. for the record, i have never disliked another human being so intensely in my entire life.

also, try establishing discipline with three toddlers who are experiencing zero consistency in their life. super fun. for them and for us.

so now, i have finished classes for my degree (YAY!) and am now in my first semester of student teaching (ARGH!) which is exactly as difficult as everyone says it is. except that there are now three toddlers living in my basement who don't understand that study time equals quiet time.

the kids' dad works in the ER at a hospital, which means that he's exposed to all sorts of fun things. so for the past (i don't know... since september) few months, my family has gotten about every flu and virus in the Great Lakes region. my mom seriously has not been well since september, which is awesome since she's away on business trips about every other week.

more recently, i had a mild anxiety attack on saturday and had to basically run the show at school yesterday and today, since my cooperating teacher was out sick. today, my car broke down on the side of the highway and the man in the towtruck tried to hit on me the whole way to the mechanic's. he was about fifty, with a legitimate mullet and seatcovers with skulls on them. we listened to country music. his name was bob.

after warding off bob's persistent advances, i was told by my wonderful mechanic, dave, that there was absolutely no oil in my engine. which is funny, because we had the oil changed on saturday. dave said that there was no compression in the engine, which i now understand means that my car is now in car-heaven.

you know what's so bizarre about all of this? on saturday, i was so angry. i was choking back tears, mostly unsuccessfully, for the whole day. and i was praying, "God, i am so angry at you! how could you let this happen?" but today, around the time my car died, i started thinking "i am being attacked. that's what's going on, and God is always victorious. i just need to trust Him and believe that He knows what He is doing! and believe that He will be my strength and will come through with solutions that will completely showcase his power and faithfulness!"

so yes... i am being attacked. but GOD is on our side! and i cant wait to see how He uses these experiences to shape and mold me, and to show His glory. life may not ever get easier, but He will always draw me closer and give me strength and refuge. i am eternally thankful for the life that He gives and continues to give. HE IS SO FAITHFUL AND SO GOOD! were it not so, i would not be able to get myself out of bed in the morning. our relationship is what sustains me, and the hope and dreams that He has placed in my heart. i believe that He is causing me to become familiar with hardship and pain for many different reasons... partly, so that people cannot claim that my steadfast faith and love for God comes from an easy life full of pleasure and prosperity. partly, because i know this is making me both a stronger and more compassionate and empathetic person. i have always wanted to help other people, but this makes it so much more personal. life is about being personal. and partly, because my faith in His provision in my life needs to increase. i know this. it's been easy up until this point, and this is a very painful and stretching experience. but God has called me to dream HUGE dreams, and i need to have a faith that is as big as the dreams He has given me!

pray for the people in your life. you never know how badly they need your prayers. and dream big with God! especially when life feels like your enemy.

i will end with a quote from bob the towtrucker. when i told him i was a Christian, he replied with "ohhh, so that's how you're able to smile right now. and i thought it was just because you were enjoying my company so much!" ..... :)