A love more faithful than the morning...

I don't know what to say...

I graduated from college this past Sunday. I feel like I should somehow write a blurb to commemorate the experience, but all I want to write about is Your love. And, I guess, that's the most appropriate thing to write after all. Your love is the filter through which I live out every experience. I knew this day would come, and I've been anticipating it for many months... not the day of my graduation, but the day that this experience between You and I, this intimate encounter, would occur. It's as if I've come home after a tour of duty... maintaining the bond of relationship, yet feeling as though I'm in a challenge that requires my full energy and attention. And yet, you were always there... filling me. Sustaining me. Growing me. Making me new. I became more aware of it as the year went on, and I became less resistant to your love and power. But this night, with no agenda, no time restraints, no interruptions... just you and me and us... this night is the one I've waited for.

I cannot even endure your intimacy. It overwhelms me. It is so raw, and so true. It is not easy to accept your intimacy, because it is so weighty. It is not something that can be taken lightly. It occurs when you command my full attention, you overcome my doubts, you overwhelm my emotions. You have ruined me. I want nothing more or less than to serve you with my entire life. All my devotion (not to quote song lyrics, but) IS all I have to give. And I give it freely. I am so excited to move on to the next chapter of life, because I am looking forward to FINALLY having the free time to spend soaking up your presence and growing in Your Word. I am excited to hear Your voice in new, fresh ways. I have seen what You have done with the mere minutes I have spared for You, and I know that the hours and days that we will have together are going to be INTENSE!!! I want to strip everything else away until I am completely under Your influence.

So I settled in tonight to have a good, long quiet time with God.... and re-read through the email from Pastor Lisa regarding Cross Immersion Group focus as I prayed. I reached the part where it lists the passages that we are studying together and, yep... that's all it took hahahaha.... The floodgates opened, and the romance and tenderness of Christ and all that He has done for me filled me to overflowing. Usually, as in this case, the "flood" manifests itself through an actual torrent of weeping. So now, after familiarizing myself with the floor once again, I am attempting to jot down some of the things I am experience and learning with Him.

Christ, I would be in such darkness were it not for You. I have been so shielded by Love that I cannot even fathom the hell that wreaks havoc in the world. I am so thankful for that. Really. I think about the dark places that I used to run to, and it brings me to tears to remember the rescuing hand you extended to me. You have renewed my thinking, and have made my heart brand new. Without You in my life, I would be a complete mess. Without the revelation of Your love, I would be living with vices and therapies to give respite from life itself. Life is hard! There's something wrong with a society that requires a significant portion of its population to take meds just to function. But YOU! You are so good! You give us the power, not just to survive, but to thrive. I have been so blessed, and none of it is deserved. The good things I have done are naught without You. The sins that I have committed against You have been completely erased. You have proclaimed that I am righteous, whole, clean, Yours.

I keep going back to that.... college would have left me in a mess of vices, with a slew of complications, men, chemicals, imbalances, and what have you were it not for Christ. You have planted in me the Spirit that says, "Press on! There is something better! I have called you for bigger things, and I want you to know me. Not just for one day, but for always." You are the seal on my arm and on my heart. I really see it. I thank you for guarding my heart and keeping me in Your will. Where I am weak, you have made me strong, that I might testify of your power.

Romans 5:2 is really hitting me in a great way right now... "boasting in the hope of the glory of God" sounds like exactly where I'm at right now. I have been given a taste, a glimpse of the glory of God, and already it is overwhelming!!! I can't wait to see more, to have Him reveal another facet of Himself to me. WE LOOK UPON HIM WITH UNVEILED FACES!!! There is no barrier between Love and us. We access God freely, and He offers His body, His blood, His Kingdom to us. Whooooaaaaaaaa....... My hope is not in vain. I have such a faithful God, and He has showed me His faithfulness in areas I still harbored too much fear to allow myself to hope. I love the Message version of this verse too: "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting his praise."

It is very easy for me to see myself in these wide open spaces right now. I am just so thankful. I have a thousand little things, as well as the obvious big things, to be thankful for. For Christmas, I got the last pair of slippers that were in my Mom's size. ON SALE! Then, I looked up the slippers my dad wanted and got the last pair in his size... AND they arrived on my doorstep in less than 24 hours! Also this month, I have been given frequent occasions to really enjoy the presence and quality of my friends. My girls have shown me what it is to be sisters... to let down all guards and know that I am loved for who I am, and that no misstep or quirk will lessen that love. They have shown me how to take pleasure and find enjoyment in healthy relationships, and also to show care and support in hard times. They have become a true extention of my family. The guys that I am honored to share life with have given me a frame of reference for what it is to be treated well... They have given me a better understanding of honor, and their treatment of girls has raised my standard of what is acceptable and good. This Body of Christ is full of people that I will cherish through the ages of earth and Heaven. I am excited to share Heaven together!

So God-- YOU ARE SO GOOD! Thank you for living this life with me... for giving me victories and then taking joy in them with me. You have enabled me to thrive. Your love is everything. You are teaching me so much every day...... I can't even wait til tomorrow!

Let's be together always.

as your reality invades mine...

Yeshua....

I want to be acquainted with your Truth. I want each and every one of my senses to be trained to your reality. I want to taste Heaven every day and have your glory seeping out of my pores. I want to share secrets and laughter with the angels.

Let Your reality flood my existence. Let me be so filled with longing and desire for You that it annihilates every will of my flesh. You are my only vice. I am fixed on You. Your light has left no room for darkness.

We are One. Come invade my perception of "I".

One Glance Of Your Eyes

I don't know all the particulars of why "innocent" people are allowed to suffer atrocious things... why certain people are destined to live their whole lives in a crippled, disabled body. I don't know what salvation looks like for people whose comprehension is forever limited to that of a three year old's. But I do know that some of my friends are kids such as these. And I love them so very much. And I'm learning from them and through them so very much.

One particular girl has tugged on my heartstrings a lot. She can barely speak. When she does, it is mostly monosyllabic utterances that are only understood by those who know her. She spends her whole day in a wheelchair. Her movement is limited to what her head and spastic little hands can manage. If you were to look at her with an honest mind, you would see that there is very little that she can contribute to the productivity of the world. There is very little that she will ever be able to do on her own. There is nothing she can really do to benefit me. But she has brought so much joy to my heart, and to all those around her at school. Every time she looks at me with those beautiful eyes in a way that acknowledges my existence, I feel special. Everytime she laughs at one of my lame jokes, I feel complimented. It has taken three weeks, but I now know that she recognizes, even likes, me. God has shown me so much through this, and it is humbling and so special.

A few days ago, I was helping clean this precious girl up after she vomited all over herself. I was so moved, and my eyes were fighting back the tears. I really was so struck by how much I could care for this girl, in a way that is so beyond pity. God showed me how that is the depth of His love. There is nothing we can offer Him that He could not easily do for Himself, except offer our affection and love. We are so helpless compared to God. Our inabilities far outweigh our abilities. We do not even know all that we do not know. Yet, though we are small, He has given us honor. He is moved by us. He wants to be in real relationship with us. And He loves us. Even before we loved Him... He loved us. He works so hard to gain our faith, our trust... when we are the ones who are undeserving of His. And yet, as He cleans us up from our messes, He doesn't scold us. He loves us.

95 Days.

Til I graduate and life changes altogether.

Psalm 23 is the current chapter that I'm living by. It is not something I fell back on because it was easy to find or I knew it would be suitable. God led me there. And I have stayed there for a while.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.... and I will dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER!!!

I am tired. Goodnight world that I love <3

mercy!

Stumbled upon an ex boyfriend today.

The funny thing is, just yesterday I laughed a laugh that reminded me of him. I wondered how he was, in that wistful way. I have a tendency to idealize my thoughts of him. I liked him a lot when I was eighteen.

All I can say is, God is so merciful to me.... and I am so thankful that He slammed that door shut in my face :) I wish that guy all the best in realizing all the potential that I saw in him... but I'm so glad there's nothing left between us.

God, you join that which are meant to be joined, and sever every tie that was never meant to be. You are good.

And they lived happily ever after.

we never stop living.

we just move from one realm to another.

a great woman died last week. i struggled with her death, and how to feel about it. she was one of the most radiant, amazing people i had ever met. i kept praying "God, i know i don't know her very well, but please... just let her be in Heaven."

today, some of my coworkers made it to her funeral. my one coworker gave a summary of the event, since i was working. she told me she was a Christian. it hit me really hard. i got very emotional with relief and excitement for her. i look forward to seeing her again.

it's odd how people seem to laugh at religious/spiritual beliefs, except for where death is concerned. i have seen people seized by fear and solemnity by the mere thought of it. sometimes i take for granted the peace of mind that comes with knowing.....

God has provided a way, where there seemed to be no way. Christianity is not a belief system. It is the greatest love story that ever was....

And one that ALWAYS has a happy ending.

Colors you can't even dream.

I keep seeing death all around me. So many people are dying.

My first reaction is to feel how sad it is to lose a loved one.

My second reaction is to pray for everyone I know who still has breath in their lungs.

But my third reaction...

My spirit is just so restless, so homesick for Heaven. It feels like a deep groan.