the sun is still up there... even when i don't see it. even when i feel cold, i know i will see a day when i am warm again.
i believe. relentlessly, i believe.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Courage to die.
Today, I entered into an encounter with God unlike any I have ever experienced... Though I am tired, I have to try and get this out now, because already I am forgetting details. I should probably begin by confessing that I've been dealing with a lot of heavy stuff lately. I have not been handling my internal thoughts and feelings in an appropriate manner, and have instead grown dissatisfied, frustrated, and angry. I have distanced myself from God and people, choosing isolation and avoidance. My grief was mine to bear, I believed. It was easier to do it alone than to let others into the world of my dreams and fears. It was easier to maintain independence, to reserve for myself some semblance of control.
Last night was a really bad night. What was supposed to be a leisurely night out with a friend landed me in my bedroom... alone and depressed. I tried not to think about the things that I missed and longed for so badly, but this attempt was completely unsuccessful. Was it really so bad to want the things that I did? They were not harmful, but my motives were wrong. They were linked in to self-service, self-love, self-consumption. I was completely consumed with self. God was placed on the shelf as I craved all the enticing things this world has to offer. It tormented me, because I knew that my heart was still for God. Even in this dark place, I would not act upon the desires. I refuse to give in to rebellion. But the filter that I was looking through made all my desires seem beautiful, wonderful, romantic, charming. Right. So right. What was wrong with living in a specific place, wanting a certain status, loving a certain person, looking a certain way? Can't I have the lifestyle that I long for and still serve God in some way? Can't I have life on my own terms and please God? I know the cliche, "you can't have your cake and eat it too," but there MUST be some way. Right?
Today, I had a change of heart as soon as I entered into worship. Relief flooded over me and I felt the torment leave my psyche. As we were invited to thank God, I found myself saying, "Thank you, God, for giving me Someone to love and worship besides myself..." It occurred to me that my love of self would never satisfy me, because I was not worthy. But God is perfect, God is love itself, and in loving and worshipping Him, giving myself over to Him and His purposes, I would find complete purpose and satisfaction. I would find the wholeness that I had forgotten to remember. This was the beginning of the experience.
The second step of my encounter with God came through the sermon itself. It was on encounter, and "a shift from a life based on concept to a life based, and founded on encounter." Pete spoke with boldness and clarity, and I held on to every word. I needed this encounter in my life. Not just for a day, but EVERY day. I needed my life to be God-focused again. The other option would only destroy me. It was completely empty!
After the sermon, we went back into a time of worship and ministry. I was standing there, eyes closed, enjoying the tangible presence of God. And then, I saw Him. He was there in my mind's eye. I have not heard His voice so clear in a few months, at least. "I have given you the courage to die. So come and die. Die with me, that you might live. You need to die before MY life can be produced in you." I have heard God's voice many times in my life. I have had many vivid experiences with Him. I have shaken, fallen, wept, laughed, gotten completely wrecked by His love and presence. I have entered into Heaven... but I have never had such a clear experience of entering into His death. In a way, Romans 6 had been an abstract mystery to me before this morning.
As I interacted with God, I saw Him with the cross on His shoulder. He was in anguish, and He invited me to share in this experience. He beckoned me to carry His cross, to willingly go to our death. To die. As I saw myself go through this process, I felt old feelings, old ties, old nasty sin be taken away from me. I became aware of my death to my own desires, to my self. It was painful! But it was good! I was amazed by the clear way that God showed me what was going on, and revealing His truth to me. I felt as though I were dying, and yet I never felt so alive in my life. I saw my "self" die and His glorious "self" rise up in me in the same instant. I saw us unified, and I saw my will bend to His in obedience, trusting and knowing that His ways are so much better. Not only is obedience the right way to live, but it is also completely beneficial to me, because He is a GOOD GOD!!! I have already died, what else can they do to me? God has granted me immortality, to stand before His throne in confidence, knowing I am His. Knowing, through His glorious Son, I belong there. Heaven is the place that I now call home, God is the one whom I can call my Father, all because I gave myself over, to die and become resurrected with the Son. What power! What great power, that I cannot comprehend, was it that made this possible? This, truly, is One who is to be loved and worshipped. Surely this is God.
And here, amongst all of these musings and revelations and experiences with death and life, I heard the voice again. "I allowed these things to happen to you, I allowed you to give in to your desires for a time, so that you may engage with my death within you in a fuller measure. I wanted you to REALLY know what it is to die to yourself. I wanted to show myself to you in a new way. That you would know that I am GOD." In a bizarre way, this brought great joy to myself. All of the torment, all of the heaviness of heart... it was not for nothing. I would not wish to enter into it again, but it has helped to establish me, in a new unshakeable way, in my foundation in Christ. Romans 6 was opened up to me, in a new and living way. My desire was for my God again. Completely. Wholly. And again I felt complete and whole. Not that He ever left me, or that I ever had a lack, but that I remembered to Whom I belong.
So now, I rejoice, for my focus is where it ought to have been all along. My life is for my God. My prayers are pure and my eyes are open and fixed upon the One. I hope to experience this same death every single day, as Paul has said. It is the filter that I want to see reality through. It is the Truth that I want to perceive and speak from. It is not even worth comparing what I have gained through Christ with what I have given up... He is so good. Thank you, God, for inviting me to die. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.
Last night was a really bad night. What was supposed to be a leisurely night out with a friend landed me in my bedroom... alone and depressed. I tried not to think about the things that I missed and longed for so badly, but this attempt was completely unsuccessful. Was it really so bad to want the things that I did? They were not harmful, but my motives were wrong. They were linked in to self-service, self-love, self-consumption. I was completely consumed with self. God was placed on the shelf as I craved all the enticing things this world has to offer. It tormented me, because I knew that my heart was still for God. Even in this dark place, I would not act upon the desires. I refuse to give in to rebellion. But the filter that I was looking through made all my desires seem beautiful, wonderful, romantic, charming. Right. So right. What was wrong with living in a specific place, wanting a certain status, loving a certain person, looking a certain way? Can't I have the lifestyle that I long for and still serve God in some way? Can't I have life on my own terms and please God? I know the cliche, "you can't have your cake and eat it too," but there MUST be some way. Right?
Today, I had a change of heart as soon as I entered into worship. Relief flooded over me and I felt the torment leave my psyche. As we were invited to thank God, I found myself saying, "Thank you, God, for giving me Someone to love and worship besides myself..." It occurred to me that my love of self would never satisfy me, because I was not worthy. But God is perfect, God is love itself, and in loving and worshipping Him, giving myself over to Him and His purposes, I would find complete purpose and satisfaction. I would find the wholeness that I had forgotten to remember. This was the beginning of the experience.
The second step of my encounter with God came through the sermon itself. It was on encounter, and "a shift from a life based on concept to a life based, and founded on encounter." Pete spoke with boldness and clarity, and I held on to every word. I needed this encounter in my life. Not just for a day, but EVERY day. I needed my life to be God-focused again. The other option would only destroy me. It was completely empty!
After the sermon, we went back into a time of worship and ministry. I was standing there, eyes closed, enjoying the tangible presence of God. And then, I saw Him. He was there in my mind's eye. I have not heard His voice so clear in a few months, at least. "I have given you the courage to die. So come and die. Die with me, that you might live. You need to die before MY life can be produced in you." I have heard God's voice many times in my life. I have had many vivid experiences with Him. I have shaken, fallen, wept, laughed, gotten completely wrecked by His love and presence. I have entered into Heaven... but I have never had such a clear experience of entering into His death. In a way, Romans 6 had been an abstract mystery to me before this morning.
As I interacted with God, I saw Him with the cross on His shoulder. He was in anguish, and He invited me to share in this experience. He beckoned me to carry His cross, to willingly go to our death. To die. As I saw myself go through this process, I felt old feelings, old ties, old nasty sin be taken away from me. I became aware of my death to my own desires, to my self. It was painful! But it was good! I was amazed by the clear way that God showed me what was going on, and revealing His truth to me. I felt as though I were dying, and yet I never felt so alive in my life. I saw my "self" die and His glorious "self" rise up in me in the same instant. I saw us unified, and I saw my will bend to His in obedience, trusting and knowing that His ways are so much better. Not only is obedience the right way to live, but it is also completely beneficial to me, because He is a GOOD GOD!!! I have already died, what else can they do to me? God has granted me immortality, to stand before His throne in confidence, knowing I am His. Knowing, through His glorious Son, I belong there. Heaven is the place that I now call home, God is the one whom I can call my Father, all because I gave myself over, to die and become resurrected with the Son. What power! What great power, that I cannot comprehend, was it that made this possible? This, truly, is One who is to be loved and worshipped. Surely this is God.
And here, amongst all of these musings and revelations and experiences with death and life, I heard the voice again. "I allowed these things to happen to you, I allowed you to give in to your desires for a time, so that you may engage with my death within you in a fuller measure. I wanted you to REALLY know what it is to die to yourself. I wanted to show myself to you in a new way. That you would know that I am GOD." In a bizarre way, this brought great joy to myself. All of the torment, all of the heaviness of heart... it was not for nothing. I would not wish to enter into it again, but it has helped to establish me, in a new unshakeable way, in my foundation in Christ. Romans 6 was opened up to me, in a new and living way. My desire was for my God again. Completely. Wholly. And again I felt complete and whole. Not that He ever left me, or that I ever had a lack, but that I remembered to Whom I belong.
So now, I rejoice, for my focus is where it ought to have been all along. My life is for my God. My prayers are pure and my eyes are open and fixed upon the One. I hope to experience this same death every single day, as Paul has said. It is the filter that I want to see reality through. It is the Truth that I want to perceive and speak from. It is not even worth comparing what I have gained through Christ with what I have given up... He is so good. Thank you, God, for inviting me to die. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
All or nothing.
I'm beginning to discover a side of myself that is completely fun and interesting, but also somewhat irritating... actually, I have seen this side of myself many times before, in different circumstances and measures. This characteristic, if you will, is that I am an all or nothing person. I am beginning to see that this can be bad, if you let yourself be influenced like a leaf blowing in the wind. But, with Christ as my rock, I am allowing Him to mold this part so that it is a testimony of His strength and ability to perfect the imperfections. I will share with you how I am seeing this trait manifested right now.
I just looked- again- on the Oakland Human Resources Consortium (the place where I can view teacher jobs) and discovered that there was a new opening... one for a teacher of students with cognitive impairments in a middle school in West Bloomfield. We're talking West Bloomfield, here... and this is EXACTLY the position that I am qualified for. After some further investigation, it turns out that they don't even require previous teaching experience, which is always a concern. They are looking for someone who is willing to get there hands dirty, who is able-bodied, and who can teach basic academic and life skills. By the time I had clicked the buttons to apply, my desire for this position was cemented. I mean, I was practically salivating over the prospect. What area would I live in? Should I sent a paper copy of my cover letter? Should I make a phone call? My fantasies climbed by the minute, and (in a weird way) I was lusting after this job. There is a weird sensation that comes with knowing that you are qualified for a professional position, and this sensation is heightened when you actually find jobs that match your qualifications. However, I am not suggesting that these are all good "feelings", I am merely describing what it is like to be in the "all" stage of the all or nothing personality phenomena.
This experience is not the first of its kind. There have been past positions, similar positions, that I have applied for, researched, imagined myself in. When they don't pan out, I detach from the feelings of disappointment and seemingly forget the experience immediately. It's easy to move on this way. People think it's an amazing adaptive skill, however, I'm not thoroughly convinced that it's healthy. Does this mean that I would give up on a position at the first sign of rejection, rather than contend for something I know is good? Or, even worse, what if this happens within a relationship? Would I really cut someone off from my affections prematurely in an effort to adapt or cope with pain? It has been remarked that I have a great capacity to love people, and I know it. I really do love people. Deeply, and relentlessly. But I also have the potential for great coldness. And that scares me sometimes. Having examined my past actions toward those who have hurt me, I do not see burning, seething hatred so much as cold, dead indifference. Jesus was never indifferent. To anyone, or anything. Apathy is not a part of who He is.
As I discover this new Me, as melded with Him, never to be separated, I am reminded that this characteristic of my personality is not entirely bad... and as I allow Him to enter it, I can see where He is perfecting it. Instead of looking at the job that I was not accepted for and saying "whatever, I never cared anyways... moving on!" I can say "that was a good job, but Jesus must have a better one for me... moving on!" So it is not really the reaction, but more the basis of my reaction, where I am noticing the change. I hope to always be adaptable. But I hope that this adaptability stems from the stability that I have in Christ, rather than an inconsistency of desires and constant change of heart.
I just looked- again- on the Oakland Human Resources Consortium (the place where I can view teacher jobs) and discovered that there was a new opening... one for a teacher of students with cognitive impairments in a middle school in West Bloomfield. We're talking West Bloomfield, here... and this is EXACTLY the position that I am qualified for. After some further investigation, it turns out that they don't even require previous teaching experience, which is always a concern. They are looking for someone who is willing to get there hands dirty, who is able-bodied, and who can teach basic academic and life skills. By the time I had clicked the buttons to apply, my desire for this position was cemented. I mean, I was practically salivating over the prospect. What area would I live in? Should I sent a paper copy of my cover letter? Should I make a phone call? My fantasies climbed by the minute, and (in a weird way) I was lusting after this job. There is a weird sensation that comes with knowing that you are qualified for a professional position, and this sensation is heightened when you actually find jobs that match your qualifications. However, I am not suggesting that these are all good "feelings", I am merely describing what it is like to be in the "all" stage of the all or nothing personality phenomena.
This experience is not the first of its kind. There have been past positions, similar positions, that I have applied for, researched, imagined myself in. When they don't pan out, I detach from the feelings of disappointment and seemingly forget the experience immediately. It's easy to move on this way. People think it's an amazing adaptive skill, however, I'm not thoroughly convinced that it's healthy. Does this mean that I would give up on a position at the first sign of rejection, rather than contend for something I know is good? Or, even worse, what if this happens within a relationship? Would I really cut someone off from my affections prematurely in an effort to adapt or cope with pain? It has been remarked that I have a great capacity to love people, and I know it. I really do love people. Deeply, and relentlessly. But I also have the potential for great coldness. And that scares me sometimes. Having examined my past actions toward those who have hurt me, I do not see burning, seething hatred so much as cold, dead indifference. Jesus was never indifferent. To anyone, or anything. Apathy is not a part of who He is.
As I discover this new Me, as melded with Him, never to be separated, I am reminded that this characteristic of my personality is not entirely bad... and as I allow Him to enter it, I can see where He is perfecting it. Instead of looking at the job that I was not accepted for and saying "whatever, I never cared anyways... moving on!" I can say "that was a good job, but Jesus must have a better one for me... moving on!" So it is not really the reaction, but more the basis of my reaction, where I am noticing the change. I hope to always be adaptable. But I hope that this adaptability stems from the stability that I have in Christ, rather than an inconsistency of desires and constant change of heart.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A love more faithful than the morning...
I don't know what to say...
I graduated from college this past Sunday. I feel like I should somehow write a blurb to commemorate the experience, but all I want to write about is Your love. And, I guess, that's the most appropriate thing to write after all. Your love is the filter through which I live out every experience. I knew this day would come, and I've been anticipating it for many months... not the day of my graduation, but the day that this experience between You and I, this intimate encounter, would occur. It's as if I've come home after a tour of duty... maintaining the bond of relationship, yet feeling as though I'm in a challenge that requires my full energy and attention. And yet, you were always there... filling me. Sustaining me. Growing me. Making me new. I became more aware of it as the year went on, and I became less resistant to your love and power. But this night, with no agenda, no time restraints, no interruptions... just you and me and us... this night is the one I've waited for.
I cannot even endure your intimacy. It overwhelms me. It is so raw, and so true. It is not easy to accept your intimacy, because it is so weighty. It is not something that can be taken lightly. It occurs when you command my full attention, you overcome my doubts, you overwhelm my emotions. You have ruined me. I want nothing more or less than to serve you with my entire life. All my devotion (not to quote song lyrics, but) IS all I have to give. And I give it freely. I am so excited to move on to the next chapter of life, because I am looking forward to FINALLY having the free time to spend soaking up your presence and growing in Your Word. I am excited to hear Your voice in new, fresh ways. I have seen what You have done with the mere minutes I have spared for You, and I know that the hours and days that we will have together are going to be INTENSE!!! I want to strip everything else away until I am completely under Your influence.
So I settled in tonight to have a good, long quiet time with God.... and re-read through the email from Pastor Lisa regarding Cross Immersion Group focus as I prayed. I reached the part where it lists the passages that we are studying together and, yep... that's all it took hahahaha.... The floodgates opened, and the romance and tenderness of Christ and all that He has done for me filled me to overflowing. Usually, as in this case, the "flood" manifests itself through an actual torrent of weeping. So now, after familiarizing myself with the floor once again, I am attempting to jot down some of the things I am experience and learning with Him.
Christ, I would be in such darkness were it not for You. I have been so shielded by Love that I cannot even fathom the hell that wreaks havoc in the world. I am so thankful for that. Really. I think about the dark places that I used to run to, and it brings me to tears to remember the rescuing hand you extended to me. You have renewed my thinking, and have made my heart brand new. Without You in my life, I would be a complete mess. Without the revelation of Your love, I would be living with vices and therapies to give respite from life itself. Life is hard! There's something wrong with a society that requires a significant portion of its population to take meds just to function. But YOU! You are so good! You give us the power, not just to survive, but to thrive. I have been so blessed, and none of it is deserved. The good things I have done are naught without You. The sins that I have committed against You have been completely erased. You have proclaimed that I am righteous, whole, clean, Yours.
I keep going back to that.... college would have left me in a mess of vices, with a slew of complications, men, chemicals, imbalances, and what have you were it not for Christ. You have planted in me the Spirit that says, "Press on! There is something better! I have called you for bigger things, and I want you to know me. Not just for one day, but for always." You are the seal on my arm and on my heart. I really see it. I thank you for guarding my heart and keeping me in Your will. Where I am weak, you have made me strong, that I might testify of your power.
Romans 5:2 is really hitting me in a great way right now... "boasting in the hope of the glory of God" sounds like exactly where I'm at right now. I have been given a taste, a glimpse of the glory of God, and already it is overwhelming!!! I can't wait to see more, to have Him reveal another facet of Himself to me. WE LOOK UPON HIM WITH UNVEILED FACES!!! There is no barrier between Love and us. We access God freely, and He offers His body, His blood, His Kingdom to us. Whooooaaaaaaaa....... My hope is not in vain. I have such a faithful God, and He has showed me His faithfulness in areas I still harbored too much fear to allow myself to hope. I love the Message version of this verse too: "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting his praise."
It is very easy for me to see myself in these wide open spaces right now. I am just so thankful. I have a thousand little things, as well as the obvious big things, to be thankful for. For Christmas, I got the last pair of slippers that were in my Mom's size. ON SALE! Then, I looked up the slippers my dad wanted and got the last pair in his size... AND they arrived on my doorstep in less than 24 hours! Also this month, I have been given frequent occasions to really enjoy the presence and quality of my friends. My girls have shown me what it is to be sisters... to let down all guards and know that I am loved for who I am, and that no misstep or quirk will lessen that love. They have shown me how to take pleasure and find enjoyment in healthy relationships, and also to show care and support in hard times. They have become a true extention of my family. The guys that I am honored to share life with have given me a frame of reference for what it is to be treated well... They have given me a better understanding of honor, and their treatment of girls has raised my standard of what is acceptable and good. This Body of Christ is full of people that I will cherish through the ages of earth and Heaven. I am excited to share Heaven together!
So God-- YOU ARE SO GOOD! Thank you for living this life with me... for giving me victories and then taking joy in them with me. You have enabled me to thrive. Your love is everything. You are teaching me so much every day...... I can't even wait til tomorrow!
Let's be together always.
I graduated from college this past Sunday. I feel like I should somehow write a blurb to commemorate the experience, but all I want to write about is Your love. And, I guess, that's the most appropriate thing to write after all. Your love is the filter through which I live out every experience. I knew this day would come, and I've been anticipating it for many months... not the day of my graduation, but the day that this experience between You and I, this intimate encounter, would occur. It's as if I've come home after a tour of duty... maintaining the bond of relationship, yet feeling as though I'm in a challenge that requires my full energy and attention. And yet, you were always there... filling me. Sustaining me. Growing me. Making me new. I became more aware of it as the year went on, and I became less resistant to your love and power. But this night, with no agenda, no time restraints, no interruptions... just you and me and us... this night is the one I've waited for.
I cannot even endure your intimacy. It overwhelms me. It is so raw, and so true. It is not easy to accept your intimacy, because it is so weighty. It is not something that can be taken lightly. It occurs when you command my full attention, you overcome my doubts, you overwhelm my emotions. You have ruined me. I want nothing more or less than to serve you with my entire life. All my devotion (not to quote song lyrics, but) IS all I have to give. And I give it freely. I am so excited to move on to the next chapter of life, because I am looking forward to FINALLY having the free time to spend soaking up your presence and growing in Your Word. I am excited to hear Your voice in new, fresh ways. I have seen what You have done with the mere minutes I have spared for You, and I know that the hours and days that we will have together are going to be INTENSE!!! I want to strip everything else away until I am completely under Your influence.
So I settled in tonight to have a good, long quiet time with God.... and re-read through the email from Pastor Lisa regarding Cross Immersion Group focus as I prayed. I reached the part where it lists the passages that we are studying together and, yep... that's all it took hahahaha.... The floodgates opened, and the romance and tenderness of Christ and all that He has done for me filled me to overflowing. Usually, as in this case, the "flood" manifests itself through an actual torrent of weeping. So now, after familiarizing myself with the floor once again, I am attempting to jot down some of the things I am experience and learning with Him.
Christ, I would be in such darkness were it not for You. I have been so shielded by Love that I cannot even fathom the hell that wreaks havoc in the world. I am so thankful for that. Really. I think about the dark places that I used to run to, and it brings me to tears to remember the rescuing hand you extended to me. You have renewed my thinking, and have made my heart brand new. Without You in my life, I would be a complete mess. Without the revelation of Your love, I would be living with vices and therapies to give respite from life itself. Life is hard! There's something wrong with a society that requires a significant portion of its population to take meds just to function. But YOU! You are so good! You give us the power, not just to survive, but to thrive. I have been so blessed, and none of it is deserved. The good things I have done are naught without You. The sins that I have committed against You have been completely erased. You have proclaimed that I am righteous, whole, clean, Yours.
I keep going back to that.... college would have left me in a mess of vices, with a slew of complications, men, chemicals, imbalances, and what have you were it not for Christ. You have planted in me the Spirit that says, "Press on! There is something better! I have called you for bigger things, and I want you to know me. Not just for one day, but for always." You are the seal on my arm and on my heart. I really see it. I thank you for guarding my heart and keeping me in Your will. Where I am weak, you have made me strong, that I might testify of your power.
Romans 5:2 is really hitting me in a great way right now... "boasting in the hope of the glory of God" sounds like exactly where I'm at right now. I have been given a taste, a glimpse of the glory of God, and already it is overwhelming!!! I can't wait to see more, to have Him reveal another facet of Himself to me. WE LOOK UPON HIM WITH UNVEILED FACES!!! There is no barrier between Love and us. We access God freely, and He offers His body, His blood, His Kingdom to us. Whooooaaaaaaaa....... My hope is not in vain. I have such a faithful God, and He has showed me His faithfulness in areas I still harbored too much fear to allow myself to hope. I love the Message version of this verse too: "We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting his praise."
It is very easy for me to see myself in these wide open spaces right now. I am just so thankful. I have a thousand little things, as well as the obvious big things, to be thankful for. For Christmas, I got the last pair of slippers that were in my Mom's size. ON SALE! Then, I looked up the slippers my dad wanted and got the last pair in his size... AND they arrived on my doorstep in less than 24 hours! Also this month, I have been given frequent occasions to really enjoy the presence and quality of my friends. My girls have shown me what it is to be sisters... to let down all guards and know that I am loved for who I am, and that no misstep or quirk will lessen that love. They have shown me how to take pleasure and find enjoyment in healthy relationships, and also to show care and support in hard times. They have become a true extention of my family. The guys that I am honored to share life with have given me a frame of reference for what it is to be treated well... They have given me a better understanding of honor, and their treatment of girls has raised my standard of what is acceptable and good. This Body of Christ is full of people that I will cherish through the ages of earth and Heaven. I am excited to share Heaven together!
So God-- YOU ARE SO GOOD! Thank you for living this life with me... for giving me victories and then taking joy in them with me. You have enabled me to thrive. Your love is everything. You are teaching me so much every day...... I can't even wait til tomorrow!
Let's be together always.
Monday, October 25, 2010
as your reality invades mine...
Yeshua....
I want to be acquainted with your Truth. I want each and every one of my senses to be trained to your reality. I want to taste Heaven every day and have your glory seeping out of my pores. I want to share secrets and laughter with the angels.
Let Your reality flood my existence. Let me be so filled with longing and desire for You that it annihilates every will of my flesh. You are my only vice. I am fixed on You. Your light has left no room for darkness.
We are One. Come invade my perception of "I".
I want to be acquainted with your Truth. I want each and every one of my senses to be trained to your reality. I want to taste Heaven every day and have your glory seeping out of my pores. I want to share secrets and laughter with the angels.
Let Your reality flood my existence. Let me be so filled with longing and desire for You that it annihilates every will of my flesh. You are my only vice. I am fixed on You. Your light has left no room for darkness.
We are One. Come invade my perception of "I".
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
One Glance Of Your Eyes
I don't know all the particulars of why "innocent" people are allowed to suffer atrocious things... why certain people are destined to live their whole lives in a crippled, disabled body. I don't know what salvation looks like for people whose comprehension is forever limited to that of a three year old's. But I do know that some of my friends are kids such as these. And I love them so very much. And I'm learning from them and through them so very much.
One particular girl has tugged on my heartstrings a lot. She can barely speak. When she does, it is mostly monosyllabic utterances that are only understood by those who know her. She spends her whole day in a wheelchair. Her movement is limited to what her head and spastic little hands can manage. If you were to look at her with an honest mind, you would see that there is very little that she can contribute to the productivity of the world. There is very little that she will ever be able to do on her own. There is nothing she can really do to benefit me. But she has brought so much joy to my heart, and to all those around her at school. Every time she looks at me with those beautiful eyes in a way that acknowledges my existence, I feel special. Everytime she laughs at one of my lame jokes, I feel complimented. It has taken three weeks, but I now know that she recognizes, even likes, me. God has shown me so much through this, and it is humbling and so special.
A few days ago, I was helping clean this precious girl up after she vomited all over herself. I was so moved, and my eyes were fighting back the tears. I really was so struck by how much I could care for this girl, in a way that is so beyond pity. God showed me how that is the depth of His love. There is nothing we can offer Him that He could not easily do for Himself, except offer our affection and love. We are so helpless compared to God. Our inabilities far outweigh our abilities. We do not even know all that we do not know. Yet, though we are small, He has given us honor. He is moved by us. He wants to be in real relationship with us. And He loves us. Even before we loved Him... He loved us. He works so hard to gain our faith, our trust... when we are the ones who are undeserving of His. And yet, as He cleans us up from our messes, He doesn't scold us. He loves us.
One particular girl has tugged on my heartstrings a lot. She can barely speak. When she does, it is mostly monosyllabic utterances that are only understood by those who know her. She spends her whole day in a wheelchair. Her movement is limited to what her head and spastic little hands can manage. If you were to look at her with an honest mind, you would see that there is very little that she can contribute to the productivity of the world. There is very little that she will ever be able to do on her own. There is nothing she can really do to benefit me. But she has brought so much joy to my heart, and to all those around her at school. Every time she looks at me with those beautiful eyes in a way that acknowledges my existence, I feel special. Everytime she laughs at one of my lame jokes, I feel complimented. It has taken three weeks, but I now know that she recognizes, even likes, me. God has shown me so much through this, and it is humbling and so special.
A few days ago, I was helping clean this precious girl up after she vomited all over herself. I was so moved, and my eyes were fighting back the tears. I really was so struck by how much I could care for this girl, in a way that is so beyond pity. God showed me how that is the depth of His love. There is nothing we can offer Him that He could not easily do for Himself, except offer our affection and love. We are so helpless compared to God. Our inabilities far outweigh our abilities. We do not even know all that we do not know. Yet, though we are small, He has given us honor. He is moved by us. He wants to be in real relationship with us. And He loves us. Even before we loved Him... He loved us. He works so hard to gain our faith, our trust... when we are the ones who are undeserving of His. And yet, as He cleans us up from our messes, He doesn't scold us. He loves us.
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